An Ode to Y

Though the clocks disagreed, the timing was perfect. What I needed wasn’t forever but instead it was a soft landing, a patch of refuge stitched by fate. You were that place. So unpredicted and ever so unexpected. So much so, I had to bring a dear soul to confirm my suspicion.

I lingered longer than I should have, pretending I didn’t know how to say goodbye. So instead, I made declarations keeping me from commitment, keeping you at arms length, hoping you’d be the one brave enough to walk away, because I surely wasn’t. Who in their right mind leaves such delight behind? Not me, and certainly not then.

You gave me buoyancy when I felt like dead weight. You inflated my soul until I nearly floated, teaching me that even in the rudimentary trials of our immaturity, there could be laughter so real it could bend the heaviness of life into something bearable. You believed in me, and you cared for the things I loved. You loved every broken piece of me.

I was harsh. I was careless. And though the trials may have looked small from the outside, the pain I left in you was deep and sharp. I know this now. I wish I had known it then. Maybe I could have spared you. Maybe not.

Once, in your fury, you told me I’d never find anyone as good as you. And though I chuckled at the time, it wasn’t because I didn’t believe you. It was because I did, and it terrified me. Something in my spirit told me I was headed for trouble, and I did not heed that warning.

Though the time has passed and lives are vastly different, It’s important for me to recognize that I didn’t walk away because love was absent. I walked away because I didn’t love myself enough to know what to do with love that was whole.

Still, those four years were scaffolding for my soul. Without you, I would have been crushed by what came next. Without you, I wouldn’t have survived her.

So, this is both an apology and a thank you. I am sorry for the hurt I carved into you, and grateful beyond measure for the space you gave me to heal and grow. Space to re-establish my moral compass. My family and friends still recall your steady presence, remarking on your kindness and often speaking fondly of you. I smile on the outside, but in the inside, I get a deep sense of peace knowing you went on to live.

We may never be friends, and that’s fair. But please know I wish you nothing less than the most beautiful life.